In the coming days children will basically ask two questions regarding the death of Adam Feinberg: What happened, and why did it happen?
What happened is easy to answer. You can state facts. But remember that of all the facts you can state, the most fundamental one is that an act of violence took his life.
Why is a harder question. There is a tendency to tell children, "I don't know." And that this is an isolated incident, a rare thing that they should not fear or worry about.
These are not true statements. Children know they are not true statements. Because in their lives, violence is occurring everyday in countless ways. It is happening on their TVs and in their video games. It happens in their homes and neighborhoods. It happens in Afghanistan and New York and the West Bank. It happens in their schools and classrooms and social studies books. It happens to them. And it happens by them.
The sad truth is that they are becoming immune, habituated. They fail to see how kicking a classmate, insulting a sibling, or stuffing their anger deep inside of them are all forms of violence, sanctioned on the larger scale by our country, our families, our media and our entertainment. They fail to see these behaviors as precursors to more violence, worse violence, that it is a descending spiral into darkness.
It is essential that they see this is all connected. We are all connected.
THIS MAY BE THE SINGLE BIGGEST TEACHABLE MOMENT YOU WILL EVER HAVE WITH STUDENTS AND PARENTS.
Remember, it is during crisis that people are most vulnerable to change. Use this chance. Don't let the death of Adam Feinberg be in vain.
Students need to know that this is what we are talking about all the time when we say, "Don't hit or hurt others or insult or degrade them. Ask for help when you need it. Be kind and compassionate and giving and gentle. Recognize your anger and diffuse it, redirect it. Solve problems with peace in your heart. Be forgiving and understanding. Practice every day, every minute."
Parents need to examine their own situations, and if they find they perpetuate violence at home through the TV, their leisure time, or through their own words or actions, this is the time for change.
Do not give the impression there is sane, acceptable violence and there is insane violence. There is nothing sane about doing harm in any measure. Violence creates violence.
We can only speculate about where the violence in Ellen Feinberg came from and why it came out the way it did. We will never know for sure.
But we can be sure of this one thing: People must learn to control their anger and frustration. People have to see violence for what it is and make a conscious decision to find other ways to solve their problems and express their feelings. We cannot sweep this under the rug as something that is rare, or won't happen to us. Look around. It's happening this very minute...
Postscript:
OK. There is one other question our children are likely to ask, although they may not ask it aloud:
"Will my momma kill me?"
Indeed, in the depths of my grief over this I had to ask myself, "Did my momma ever think about killing me? Could I ever do this to my own child?"
It's easy to tell myself it won't happen to me. We humans tend to see ourselves as different, separate. We want our children to feel safe, so we assure them and ourselves that this is rare and only happens to other people and there must be something terrible wrong with those people. But we're fine.
However, this tragedy places in the forefront the sense that what happened to Adam, Matthew and their mom affects us all on some level, and that we are part of it in some strange, unseeable way.
So pull the children close to you and tell them, promise them, "No, it won't happen." But pray..."God willing..." for not one of us knows what is to come.
A friend shared this with me, and I'd like to share it with you. The author, Lora Goodnight, is the social worker at Barkstall Elementary School in Champaign, where the Feinberg children attended.